New Territory

I made an appointment with an Acupuncturist in two weeks. I'm a bit nervous, but more than anything I find myself already giving into doubt. I'm not sure where it's coming from. It's not like I hesitated making the appointment. Maybe I'm just used to being in limbo, and it hasn't hit me yet. 

I'm not afraid of the needles or how I may feel during or after. I'm not afraid of feeling the emotions. This whole time has been emotional. Thinking of you everyday is emotional. I don't know what it could be. 

Have I lost faith that I'll see you? Did I ever have faith I would see you? 

I've always hoped to see you, and touch your tiny hands. Hold your head in my hand and kiss your soft new skin. 

But did I ever believe it would truly happen one day? I don't know... 

Did I jinx myself? Have I come so far with so much doubt, that I've unknowingly wished my dream away? 

This is where I find myself getting irrational and starting to panic. I find myself cower back into younger years when I felt the world was against me and there was no hope. 

Luckily as you will learn some day my dear, being an adult has its advantages. I'm able to lean on your father and cry on his shoulder. That's all I really need anymore..a good cry. Things will be better tomorrow, and I will have perspective. 

My heart aches for you as always little one.