"Dream"

I barely slept last night. I'm feeling tired, queasy, and sluggish. I have a pit in my stomach, because I have a horrible feeling. I just want it to be 3:40pm, and I want to be talking with the Dr. I want him to be nice, and to not be such an ass as I remember him being. I heard a song this morning called "Dream". I almost started crying. 

"I was a little girl alone in my little world

Who dreamed of a little home for me

I played pretend between the tress

And fed my house guests bark and leaves

And laughed in my pretty bed of green

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest swing

I had a dream

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park

I asked God who I'm supposed to be 

The stars smiled down on me

God answered in silent reverie

I said a prayer and fell asleep

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest tree

I had a dream

Now I'm old and feeling gray 

I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave

I lived it full and I lived it well 

There's many tales I've lived to tell

I'm ready now, I'm ready now

I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing

I had a dream"

It's a "no tree" kind of Christmas.

My favorite part of the Holiday season is the tree and twinkle-lights. Every season, even when I was broke and living in a studio apartment, there has always been a tree with ornaments and twinkle-lights.
This year something is different, something inside of me has changed. That inner holiday spirit that starts bubbling up around the first of November, has been dimmer this year. Thanksgiving came and went, and there was no tree. The holiday music that should have been the soundtrack while cutting the turkey, and stuffing our faces, was absent. There were twinkle lights that we priced, but never got around to purchasing. For the first time in my almost 26 years, I have no desire to decorate a tree. There are no new ornaments this year. The dried-out holiday wreath that your grandmother bought us at Thanksgiving is still hanging over the fireplace.
A small part of my Holiday spirit took over my body on Wednesday, and I spent a solid 15 minutes decorating our fireplace and hanging stockings. I hung twinkle-lights in our window in a cumbersome fashion, only to make a point to passers-by that we aren't scrooges.
It looks festive, in a way that would normally not meet my Holiday spirit standards. I have no desire to be festive this year. I don't see the point.
It's Friday the 13th, and our Dr. appointment is on Monday the 16th. Your Father had a melt down yesterday. I'm so tired, I can barely muster sympathy for it anymore. We'll know more on Monday. We've been waiting for this since June. I'm not sure how I feel about things anymore.

I miss you, and love you.