New Territory

I made an appointment with an Acupuncturist in two weeks. I'm a bit nervous, but more than anything I find myself already giving into doubt. I'm not sure where it's coming from. It's not like I hesitated making the appointment. Maybe I'm just used to being in limbo, and it hasn't hit me yet. 

I'm not afraid of the needles or how I may feel during or after. I'm not afraid of feeling the emotions. This whole time has been emotional. Thinking of you everyday is emotional. I don't know what it could be. 

Have I lost faith that I'll see you? Did I ever have faith I would see you? 

I've always hoped to see you, and touch your tiny hands. Hold your head in my hand and kiss your soft new skin. 

But did I ever believe it would truly happen one day? I don't know... 

Did I jinx myself? Have I come so far with so much doubt, that I've unknowingly wished my dream away? 

This is where I find myself getting irrational and starting to panic. I find myself cower back into younger years when I felt the world was against me and there was no hope. 

Luckily as you will learn some day my dear, being an adult has its advantages. I'm able to lean on your father and cry on his shoulder. That's all I really need anymore..a good cry. Things will be better tomorrow, and I will have perspective. 

My heart aches for you as always little one. 

Marnee

Your godmother is Marnee. We've been friends since the 7th grade, and she knows me better than almost anyone. We're the best friends who've been through war and come out unscathed on the other side. She is the person I trust to take care of you if I'm no longer here. There are times that we've drifted apart, unintentionally hurt each other, and taken each other for granted; but at the end of everything, we always find our way back. I've learned so much about myself through my friendship with her.

One day I hope you will have a best friend like Marnee. You will always need that person, and when they're far away you will ache to see them. It's the kind of relationship that teaches you how to be with someone else and how to open your heart. That person will teach you patience, loyalty, and you will learn how to be honest with yourself by being honest with that person.

To quote an old TV show - "She's my person". Once you find your person, don't ever let them go.  

Counting Days

Your father and I have been counting days. He doesn't ask me any longer how many days it's been. I don't share either, because I've tried to ignore it. We miss you even though you aren't a reality yet. It's a constant ache inside that we're trying to shut off. I do research and try and solve our problem that may or may not exist. The hardest part is the waiting.

Fall is my favorite season, but all I can think about is November. What will happen in November when I go back to the Dr.? What if he says that something is wrong and gives us options that we can't work with?

We want to meet you, to call you our own, to be your parents, but we also want to both be here to see you grow. I can't leave your father alone, and I don't want you to be without me.