And we're off

I've not felt the need to write for a while. I don't feel the need to write now, but feel that I must keep this going to make sure you know what each step was like for us.

We went to the Dr in December. He was much nicer this round; more humble. Your father came with me and he asked good questions and listened to the Dr. We came out with a solid plan. First round - Progesterone to get my cycle started, then 150mg Clomid, then ovulation testing. The process would take 6 weeks, and then we'd take a test. The Dr said that he would only keep me on Clomid up to 300mg if necessary, for no longer than 6 cycles. After that, if we were still unsuccessful he would send us to an infertility specialist. We didn't really discuss that part of it. I did my online research per usual and read the nasty side effects that could occur on progesterone and Clomid. I was scared, but also hopeful that this would work. We decided that I would start acting like I was pregnant when it came to food and drinks, so that if it did work for us my body would be ready for you.

Cycle one began on January 8. I had my last glass of wine on January 7 and took the first pill that next morning. The moodiness and fatigue kicked in right away; your poor father. It's incredible how quickly hormones can take a hold of you. You'll understand one day what that's like. I took the Clomid as scheduled and didn't feel any side effects until day 3, then the hot flashes and fatigue kicked in. The hot flashes were the worst. I barely slept in the evening because I couldn't get comfortable and even though our bedroom temperature was hovering around 55, I felt like I was going to melt. The not sleeping didn't help the fatigue, and I became more and more tired. Luckily the fatigue came and went. The hot flashes lingered on for a few more days, but they eventually died down.
Ovulation testing came, and I diligently peed on a stick twice a day. Day 4 of testing, we got a smiley face. I squealed and jumped up and down, and took a picture and sent it to Nona. Your father and I did our best to take advantage of that smiley face and our short window of time.
A week before I was scheduled to take a test I started feeling funny and exhibiting pregnancy symptoms. Suddenly I wanted a hot dog one afternoon at work, and that's all I could think about! I got home and asked your father to drive me to Sonic, then on our way the thought of a hot dog started making me feel nauseous. I felt nauseous on and off, and fatigued for a few days. I even started having lower back pain and cramping. I started spotting a bit one day, and a bit the next. I thought that I must be pregnant. I told your father and we were both over the moon! I took a test and it was negative, but I didn't lose courage. I took another test and it was negative. Then my cycle came, and I wanted to crawl into a ball and hide under the covers.
I had a pity party for two days, and your father talked to me about his feelings and we both were upset. I called the Dr and he said it was time to start Clomid again, and luckily we didn't have to raise the dose.

Cycle two has been quick because we didn't have to wait, we started Clomid right away. Tomorrow is my first ovulation test. We'll see how it goes.

"Dream"

I barely slept last night. I'm feeling tired, queasy, and sluggish. I have a pit in my stomach, because I have a horrible feeling. I just want it to be 3:40pm, and I want to be talking with the Dr. I want him to be nice, and to not be such an ass as I remember him being. I heard a song this morning called "Dream". I almost started crying. 

"I was a little girl alone in my little world

Who dreamed of a little home for me

I played pretend between the tress

And fed my house guests bark and leaves

And laughed in my pretty bed of green

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest swing

I had a dream

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park

I asked God who I'm supposed to be 

The stars smiled down on me

God answered in silent reverie

I said a prayer and fell asleep

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest tree

I had a dream

Now I'm old and feeling gray 

I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave

I lived it full and I lived it well 

There's many tales I've lived to tell

I'm ready now, I'm ready now

I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing

I had a dream"

It's a "no tree" kind of Christmas.

My favorite part of the Holiday season is the tree and twinkle-lights. Every season, even when I was broke and living in a studio apartment, there has always been a tree with ornaments and twinkle-lights.
This year something is different, something inside of me has changed. That inner holiday spirit that starts bubbling up around the first of November, has been dimmer this year. Thanksgiving came and went, and there was no tree. The holiday music that should have been the soundtrack while cutting the turkey, and stuffing our faces, was absent. There were twinkle lights that we priced, but never got around to purchasing. For the first time in my almost 26 years, I have no desire to decorate a tree. There are no new ornaments this year. The dried-out holiday wreath that your grandmother bought us at Thanksgiving is still hanging over the fireplace.
A small part of my Holiday spirit took over my body on Wednesday, and I spent a solid 15 minutes decorating our fireplace and hanging stockings. I hung twinkle-lights in our window in a cumbersome fashion, only to make a point to passers-by that we aren't scrooges.
It looks festive, in a way that would normally not meet my Holiday spirit standards. I have no desire to be festive this year. I don't see the point.
It's Friday the 13th, and our Dr. appointment is on Monday the 16th. Your Father had a melt down yesterday. I'm so tired, I can barely muster sympathy for it anymore. We'll know more on Monday. We've been waiting for this since June. I'm not sure how I feel about things anymore.

I miss you, and love you.

Thanksgiving

It's Tuesday, two days before Thanksgiving. Your Father and I are hosting this year. I've been feeling a bit ill the past few days, so I took a test. It was negative. I didn't tell your Father. I'm sure he saw the test in the bathroom trash. I didn't try to hide it, I just chose not to tell him. He didn't say anything to me about it.

I haven't felt the pang in my heart for a while, but this morning I felt it. I wanted to cry immediately, but as I'm at work, that wouldn't be wise.

It's as if my body is saying Fuck you, you don't deserve to be happy. You don't deserve what any irresponsible sixteen-year-old on MTV can have.

I was reading a blog today by this mother in NYC. She has two beautiful boys, and a life that you see portrayed on those NYC shows about buying real estate, or shopping at Bergdorf's.

I wish I could see your little toes, and kiss your cheeks, and breathe in your baby smell. I wish we could surprise everyone at Thanksgiving by announcing you're on the way.

We heard last weekend that your cousin and your aunt are pregnant. I felt myself start to spiral, but instead, I pushed your Father away and made him spiral. It's been a trying few months. I've not been the best wife.

Little One, we are desperate for you.

This is my favorite time of year and it's getting harder and harder to get in the spirit. I can fake it pretty well, but that gets old.

New Territory

I made an appointment with an Acupuncturist in two weeks. I'm a bit nervous, but more than anything I find myself already giving into doubt. I'm not sure where it's coming from. It's not like I hesitated making the appointment. Maybe I'm just used to being in limbo, and it hasn't hit me yet. 

I'm not afraid of the needles or how I may feel during or after. I'm not afraid of feeling the emotions. This whole time has been emotional. Thinking of you everyday is emotional. I don't know what it could be. 

Have I lost faith that I'll see you? Did I ever have faith I would see you? 

I've always hoped to see you, and touch your tiny hands. Hold your head in my hand and kiss your soft new skin. 

But did I ever believe it would truly happen one day? I don't know... 

Did I jinx myself? Have I come so far with so much doubt, that I've unknowingly wished my dream away? 

This is where I find myself getting irrational and starting to panic. I find myself cower back into younger years when I felt the world was against me and there was no hope. 

Luckily as you will learn some day my dear, being an adult has its advantages. I'm able to lean on your father and cry on his shoulder. That's all I really need anymore..a good cry. Things will be better tomorrow, and I will have perspective. 

My heart aches for you as always little one. 

Marnee

Your godmother is Marnee. We've been friends since the 7th grade, and she knows me better than almost anyone. We're the best friends who've been through war and come out unscathed on the other side. She is the person I trust to take care of you if I'm no longer here. There are times that we've drifted apart, unintentionally hurt each other, and taken each other for granted; but at the end of everything, we always find our way back. I've learned so much about myself through my friendship with her.

One day I hope you will have a best friend like Marnee. You will always need that person, and when they're far away you will ache to see them. It's the kind of relationship that teaches you how to be with someone else and how to open your heart. That person will teach you patience, loyalty, and you will learn how to be honest with yourself by being honest with that person.

To quote an old TV show - "She's my person". Once you find your person, don't ever let them go.  

Counting Days

Your father and I have been counting days. He doesn't ask me any longer how many days it's been. I don't share either, because I've tried to ignore it. We miss you even though you aren't a reality yet. It's a constant ache inside that we're trying to shut off. I do research and try and solve our problem that may or may not exist. The hardest part is the waiting.

Fall is my favorite season, but all I can think about is November. What will happen in November when I go back to the Dr.? What if he says that something is wrong and gives us options that we can't work with?

We want to meet you, to call you our own, to be your parents, but we also want to both be here to see you grow. I can't leave your father alone, and I don't want you to be without me.